Textual Trysts

Editor’s Note: This one is less about sports and more about life. This post comes from a series of conversations and confusions myself and other single friends have had over the past few years of singledom. There have been countless conversations, bottles of wine, laughter, and sometimes tears with dear friends will discussing the confusing nature of dating. So, while I’m sure there’s plenty of men who can relate to this one…it’s safe to say that this one is for my girls, all of whom I love and value more than anything. 

It’s no surprise that technology has changed dating.

In many cases, we flirt and meet via the Internet. There are dating sites and accidental dating sites—like Twitter.

It’s also no surprise that the evolution serves as a reminder that no matter how much I think I’ve figured out the dating , there’s always another curveball that makes it much more confusing.

I wouldn’t say I’m a connoisseur of dating, but I will say that since I have been single for the past three years, I’ve done my fair share. My fair share includes a couple of 3 month relationships, and a calamity of awkward first dates and second dates, in which the worries are the same as they always were.

Is it okay to split the check? Will he walk me to the train? Is he going to show up at all?

But those worries predate the addition of technology. I’m sure there are cave drawings that depict a girl staring longingly out the window (or cave hole) waiting for her man to arrive from the drags.

But in the technology age, dating is a lot different. The best I can figure is that I’ve settled and fallen victim to the worst kind of relationship: the Textual Relationship.

I am partially to blame for these Textual trysts. I spend more time than I’d like to admit using social media, the Internet, and clutching my iPhone as though I will stop breathing if it’s not in my possession. I often find myself flipping from screen-to-screen on my phone just waiting for something to happen.

I can’t stand the idea of an email coming in that I don’t check. If I don’t respond to a text message within five minutes, it’s likely my text partners will send out a search party for my whereabouts. I went one day without updating my Twitter account and was greeted the next day with a barrage of messages demanding to know why I was absent without explanation.

And I’m assuming the Textual relationship stems from this—two people’s desires to have someone else thinking about them, contacting them, and relating to them continually. But, the unfortunate side effect of the textual relationship is that it seems to end there.

I’m not monogamous in my Textual relationships. I’d say at this moment, I have three solid textual relationships, which span several different mediums—text messages, emails, and social media. And the fact of the matter is that I really have no idea where any of them are going.

To illustrate the point, my longest textual tryst has been going on for over a year.

We attended a few baseball games together and honestly, I adore his company. He’s cerebral, yet relatable. He’s funny, yet sensible. He’s taller than me, which is always refreshing.

Our textual relationship blossomed during football season. Even though we supported different teams, we would armchair quarterback all day Sunday. Our texts were much more insightful than any Al Michaels/Cris Collinsworth banter, and things would occasionally become flirtatious.

In these relationships I find myself answering texts in lightning speed, and in high frequency. After all, how does a text conversation end? People don’t often say goodbye, so it’s an endless dialogue that can go on forever…or until someone falls asleep. But it starts back up the next day. Through conference calls, on train rides, on trips, and during games. And there’s a desire to keep it going, not just for conversation sake, but because there’s potential for more…or is there?

When I finally saw him again, months into our Textual relationship, he finally kissed me. Which, I took as a good sign that perhaps we’d return to real-live dating, instead of live-texting a game to each other, considering we live just a couple miles apart.

As much as I appreciated the picking on Tom Brady, and the genuinely concerned text messages I received when Austin Collie was injured, it just isn’t the same. I’d rather hold his hand than clutch my iPhone… but maybe I’m just old-fashioned.

The Internet makes it difficult to determine motives. It begs the question that many of us have asked: Is he texting because he likes me and enjoys my company, or is he texting because he has a desire to talk to someone, anyone, because he is bored?

Girls seem to reach the same conclusions on this. He could be any of the following:

A)   He just wants to be friends (how can we just be bros with those beautiful eyes?)

B)   Incredibly bored (he would text is grandmother if she could figure out how to use her Jitterbug)

C)   A sadist who enjoys the idea of confusing intentions (malice is ugly)

D)   Absolutely clueless (he’s clueless, perhaps even content, in a fake internet relationship)

E)   Feeling a need for affection/closeness not found elsewhere (guys don’t get lonely, do they?)

And this pattern continues to happen.

 And the more women I’ve talked with admit that they’ve all had these textual trysts that blur the lines of reality and dating… and there’s one common theme: we’re all confused.

Conventional wisdom might suggest that he’s just not that into us and if he were he would just ask us out. But in a world where he knows I’m available 24/7 through a variety of mediums, what’s the rush?